Inked

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The pain is sharp, the needles searing into my skin, then the pain is liberating as it makes its permanent mark on my skin. Ink against skin. Blemishes. Flawed. The day you left me, the day that you decided that I will not be good enough for you, that was the day I decided. 

And today, here I'm. The skin around the freshly inked tattoo is red, a tad bruised perhaps. Yet I love it. I am learning a lot of things like this about myself. Now that you are not there, now that I seem to have all the time in the world. 

Did you know that it was possible to go out and watch a movie all by yourself? Did you know that the awkwardness fades after the first time? That nobody really cares if you have company or you are alone? That it is possible to get a table for one at your favorite restaurant. That it was possible to listen to the kind of music that you hooked me onto without feeling like my insides were put through a shredder. 

I close my eyes. Though the needles hurt mildly, it is oddly soothing. Maybe I will decide to get another tattoo after all. 

Theme Reveal for the A to Z Challenge 2016

I was skeptical about signing up for the A to Z challenge for this year because of two reasons. One was that my muse seems to be having a mind of its own, coming and going as it pleases. And no amount of tears or hair pulling or caffeine induced hazes seems to bring back when I so need to. The other is that I had participated for the first time last year and knew how taxing it can be. I didn't want to abandon it halfway through. 

Anyway after much deliberation and going back and worth thinking whether to join or not, one day I decided to surprise myself and signed up for the challenge on a spur-of-the-moment decision. Now the next thing to ponder on was whether I should stick to a theme or go randomly like I did last year. Now a challenge is called a challenge for a reason. So I decided to go one step further this year and thought that I will stick to a theme. 

I have loved writing on a lot of topics before, but for this year's challenge, I wanted to do something special and different. Something that is close to my heart, something that has always made me think. I want to write about women. The woman who inspires, the woman that we aspire to be. She is a mother, daughter, sister, wife, lover, girlfriend, friend. She faces a battle daily, sometimes with her own self, sometimes with the world that she lives in. You can find her in me, in you, in the women all around. She may be broken, she may be shattered into a million little pieces but she will always find it in herself to gather herself and go on. Maybe for just another step, maybe for just another day. And if she is really lucky, for the rest of her life. 

So, without much further ado, my theme for this year shall be:

"She is You"

I am planning to start each alphabet with a woman's name and will try to convey emotions and stories of each of them. I want to experiment and try doing this through fiction and poetry. Though the stories and the women are fictitious, I hope to convey the dilemmas that every one of us have come across in real life at some point or the other. 26 women, 26 stories. For now I'm keeping my fingers crossed! This journey is going to be one of learning for me. Wish me luck :)

Wild

Wild was a movie I saw sometime last year and I had done a sort of review for it during the A to Z year challenge for 2015 here. Like I had mentioned before, I had wanted to read the book first. So when I chanced upon the book, I bought it without hesitation. Now, if the movie was good, the book is excellent. I must let you know that this is not a book review. But it's been so long since I spoke about a book I loved here and would just like to talk about it and the things I loved. 

I have not been one to read much of non fiction. This is a memoir, and the second non fiction book I managed to read this year. One of my reading resolutions for this year has been to read as diversely as possible, stepping into genres that I haven't before. And though my reading speed is not going too high as of now, I have decided to stop obsessing over it and enjoy each book fully. 

I picked up Wild when I was in much need of some inspiration and this book didn't fail me. There were times when I felt I was there with Cheryl, sharing some of her grief on the journey. Be it over the loss she felt over her mother's death, her marriage that breaks up into fragments as an after effect or the physical and mental exhaustion over the tedious trail. 

But most importantly, the book gave me hope. That even when things may stretch endlessly on the horizon, we must cross the bridge when it's time. That even being alone is okay. That it is okay to not feel guilty over your mistakes, acceptance and moving on forward plays a major role as well. That help may come sometimes in the form of strangers than friends or family. 

It is a book of redemption, of healing, of love. Needless to say, I loved it and would recommend it to everyone who needs some solace. Read it and it's bound to lift up your spirits as it did mine. Here are some of my favorite quotes from it that touched my core:

“I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.” 

“The universe, I'd learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted and it would never give it back.” 

“How wild it was, to let it be.” 

Nights are for...

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... long drives. 

... those hour long conversations about literature and poetry. 

... nostalgia and reminiscing about the past. 

... guilt-free scoops of chocolate chip ice cream. 

... lying on the beach side and star gazing at the moonless sky. 

... listening to the sound of waves as you feel one with the sea. 

... going through those old pictures and tattered albums; a slice of childhood. 

... writing down your rambling thoughts, that mesmerizing pull of blue ink against pristine white. 

... reading Neruda. 

... that magical scent of vanilla in between the pages of those old books. 

... allowing yourself to feel all those emotions that you kept under lock and key during day. 

... bizarre thoughts and what ifs. 

... thinking of  him.

... flashes of creativity, brilliance and regret. 

... unfinished lists. 

... salty tears and random smiles. 

... mushy movies and corny lines. 

... and rewriting the ending in your head. 

... making a fresh batch of extra buttered popcorn while you are at it. 

Nights are for a lot of things but sleep. 

Quest

There's a part of me that will always search for you. Through the days and months. Through the years. Through all my life and even beyond. You are my past, present and future. Without you, I don't exist. Sometimes, while searching for you, I lose myself. But when I do finally find you, my love, nothing would have been in vain. Till then, I will bleed poetry...