After a break

The past couple of years have been crazy for me. Even when I thought I would make the time to write, I simply couldn’t do it. 2019 has been a good year to me. I managed to get Gouri published (finally!), thanks to a very persistent friend :) It is available as an ebook on kindle on Amazon in case you want to read it. 

Motherhood has been keeping me on my toes and writing took a back seat. I did, however, manage to read quite a few good books, reviews of which I shall try to post here. I know the blog has been long neglected and this time, hopefully, I can show it some more love. It has seen me through some of the toughest days of my life and most importantly, it’s home. So, that’s about me. Till next time! 

The Stalker

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Aditi tried to ignore the heaviness inside her as she got dressed for the party. The text from Vivek was read, but not deleted. He wanted a break, that's what he had told her, that they were going too fast and he wanted time to think things over. The jerk. He didn't even have the guts to say it to her face. A text was all that he had sent. 

I hope we can continue being friends. 

How very convenient for him. She felt the hidden rage bubbling over, threatening to spill. She took her phone and deleted all the messages from him. Next she opened all her social media accounts and blocked him there too. He was just like the rest, it was her foolishness to think that he would be any different. He too had used her, and when he had his share of fun, she was discarded, unwanted, an afterthought.  

Never again, Aditi swore under her breath. She was done with men. She didn't feel like going out, not in her current state of mind. But she knew what would happen if she were to spend the night in. There would be pizza and binge watching sessions of one of her favorite TV shows. And then, there would be tears and she would go to sleep in her pajamas, weeping on the couch. 

Not tonight. She had a party to get to. One that she wasn't interested in going to in the first place. Two days back, she had made plans to spend it at home with Vivek, just the both of them. Well, look how well that turned out. No more plans either, she would go where life took her. She might as well make an effort and spend it with people and party music around her. 

The red dress she chose had a plunging neckline and the necklace she wore lay against her bare skin, the heart shaped pendent kissing her there. She dusted the bronzer on her skin, highlighting her features. The bronzer shimmered in the dull light as she turned. Her waist length hair lay in cascading waves on her back, the deep red lipstick was applied to perfection. Grabbing her purse and stepping into her six inch heels, she finally felt ready, a little like her old self.

The night breeze was cool and the traffic on the road that would normally have bothered her, was tonight oddly soothing in its familiar honks and noises. The party was in full blast as Aditi stepped inside. The music hit her head on in full force, and she allowed to be enfolded into its embrace, desperate to forget, eager to move forward. She saw a few friends and joined them, swaying to the music. It was too loud to talk and she was glad, the last thing she wanted was to answer awkward questions about Vivek.

After what felt like hours, but was probably just a few minutes, she felt the pain on her feet as a result of dancing in her too high heels. She made her way to the bar, to catch her breath and order a drink. Maybe it was the muted silence that greeted her in this corner of the pub, the sounds of the party seemed to fade away, or maybe it was her feelings that were finally catching up on her, she felt the sharp sting of tears. Closing her eyes, she tried to brush it away, aware that the mascara would run down her cheeks, giving her away. 

And all of a sudden, Aditi felt claustrophobic, the walls seemed to close in on her, her chest tightened, her breathing turned ragged. Her hands held on to the bar counter as she closed her eyes and tried to take deep breaths. 

One, two, three. Breathe in, breathe out. 

This was what usually helped when she had one of these panic attacks. She had managed to keep it hidden from the world till now, allowing her walls to come down only when she was alone. They were increasing in frequency with each day, slackening her grip on reality. Her sweaty palms and labored breathing must have given her away, for the bartender was looking at her with concern etched on his face. She gave a feeble smile to show that she was all right and he turned back to mixing drinks with a wary look. He must be used to all sort of weirdos by now, she mused silently. 

She sipped the virgin margarita that she had been nursing for a while, feeling the sensation returning to her limbs when the same bartender pushed another one towards her. 

"I'm sorry, there must be a mistake. I did not order this," Aditi told him. 

"Oh, this one is already paid for. By the gentleman," he said with a slight nod of his head towards the far end. 

In the velvety darkness, it was next to impossible to see his face. All that she caught sight of was a towering silhouette that walked away, not even glancing her way to gauge her reaction. Who was he? Was he simply looking for a girl to pick up, to have fun with for the night? But if he was, why did he leave? 

Feeling puzzled, she turned back to the glass that the bartender had pushed across, and that was when she saw the note on the paper napkin, beneath it. The words written in some kind of marker, had started bleeding across, merging with the drops of condensation that slipped from the glass and onto the napkin. 

No man is worth those tears, Beautiful. No one. 

Was this some kind of joke? Or did she really look that pathetic? Aditi had prided herself on managing to hide her feelings from the rest of the world all this while. Crumbling the tissue and taking a final sip from her drink, she resumed to the dance floor, unaware of the turn of events that her life was to take from that night. 

... to be continued. 

Z - Zahra

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I see your condescending look 

When you see I'm still childless at thirty

I see the pity in your eyes 

When you are quick to judge 

I may decide to have a child or I may not

I may be fighting my own battles 

Or I may be childless by choice 

But your opinion is the last thing I need

Next time you ply me with details of your offspring

Please know that I'm only being polite 

When I listen to things that I can't relate to 

That makes me want to stifle a yawn or two

Sure, it's a miracle of life that you created 

That doesn't mean I have to agree 

Rather than creating miniature versions of you

Make them better, best versions 

Give them the freedom to think 

Of their own without imposing your thoughts

Guide them, but don't stifle 

What does she know, she's not a mother 

I can almost hear you think 

Well, it doesn't matter, does it?

Just like how I never asked for your opinion, 

Yet you still gave me yours

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

Y - Yasmin

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Her hands are wrinkled and gnarled. There are more streaks of white than grey in what's left of her thin hair. She walks with a slight stoop, a result of too long hours spent bent over the kitchen floor. 

Each day, she waits, for a glimpse of a loved one. Every day she wakes up in hope, never giving up no matter how many days pass by alone in the old age home where she spends with other people her age. People who are discarded casually after use, when looking after them becomes a burden for the children that they love more their life. She does not hold any resentment in her heart, she knows they will come. 

For me, she is beauty; she is strength. She is a warrior, a mother, a grandmother. She is the universe. For me, she is love. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

U - Udipta

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Instagram followers - 2,384, Twitter followers - 4,982, Facebook page likes - 20,438. 

Likes and comments in hundreds. Thousands of wishes on her birthday, virtual hugs and kisses. Tap, tap. Moral support for each of her status updates, ego boost for her profile pictures. 

Yet when she lay in the hospital bed, physically hurt and mentally bruised, not one of them turned up except for the couple of people who were not even active on social media. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

S - Sasha

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Sasha took a deep drag from the cigarette dangling on her fingertips, inhaling it in, feeling the smoke fill her lungs. Though she called herself the occasional smoker, the need to burn through a packet per day had turned into the norm. 

She liked to blame it on the stress that was eating her up. The constantly criticizing boss at work. The back stabbing friend. The ex who still gave her nightmares. So many reasons. One more toxic than the other. It was funny how it was easier to blame others than own it up herself. 

Life sucked for her, that was how she felt. There would always be one thing or the other going on and she would feel the tingle start to creep up on her and her fingers would involuntarily reach for the pack that she kept on her work desk. 

She raised enough eyebrows as it is with the bold colors she wore and her don't-care attitude. But this time, today, she knew was different. This time, she would try genuinely, for herself. Sometimes, the only person that would stick by your side through it all is yourself. And sometimes, that was enough. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

R - Reva

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I sit down to write and my mind is completely blank. Writer's block, a lazy excuse I read somewhere. So many things I want to say and yet I'm unable to capture the beauty of it the way I want. That's when I think of you. And my words flow...

Your skin smooth like silk, your lips warm and inviting, your arms that crush me against the length of your body. I can write a whole book on the way you make me feel and still find it incomplete. Or maybe I should write a saga on our story. 

There are things I wish to tell you in person, things that I want to say aloud as I look into your eyes. But as always, the words refuse to leave my mouth, getting stuck somewhere in between my throat that I swallow it in haste. 

Would I ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me? Will I ever have the courage to do so? Or will I be labelled as a freak of nature for daring to love you? Just because I'm a woman like you?

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

P - Pournami

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Medical or Engineering? 

What would you prefer? 

These were the only options that I was given

What about the arts? 

That's where my passion lies

You can't make a living out of a hobby 

I was admonished, get a proper degree 

Forced to take up a field I had no interest in 

I slogged away for years 

I graduated, got a well paying job 

Worked promptly from 9 to 5

Doing seemingly satisfying work 

But at night I took out my brushes 

And I turned to my passion 

To create, to breathe, to live 

And tried not to notice

 That twinge of regret I felt otherwise...

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

N - Natasha

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Look into my eyes when you talk to me 

Keep your phone away, so will I 

Let't talk about things that matter for a change 

Not just the bills to be paid or the outstanding EMI 

Let's go on an impromptu trip 

For old time's sake, couple of clothes and faith

And let's escape reality 

Let's forget there are chores to be done 

And travel to a place where the earth meets the sky

Where the sea has endless waves sweeping us away 

And stay in a cosy place that has no wi-fi 

At night we will read by the fireplace 

Listen to all those albums that we have 

But have been too busy to hear all this while

Those long hikes that we thought we outgrew 

Can we try it one more time?

Take a plunge and try doing things

We have been putting off for a long time 

Ice-cream cones at midnight 

Books that have been piling on our shelves

Try not to think too much 

And let's do this one last time

For you, for me, for us

For what we once were...

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

M - Mikaela

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You have 10 new notifications. 

The message popped up on her phone screen first thing in the morning. A few likes and comments on her recent picture. After checking and replying to it, she scrolled through her home page and it was soon filled with updates from the various people on her friends list. An old classmate had gotten married and she proudly showed off her marriage pictures. She clicked a like. They had hardly exchanged two words since connecting on social media, but wouldn't it be rude not to even like the picture?

She scrolled down again. A colleague had given birth and the update showed a beaming mother with her hands around a tiny bundle. Again, a like. Scrolling down, more happy pictures. She felt the familiar sense of dissatisfaction creeping upon her. What was she even doing with her life when all around her people seemed to be living their dream lives? She hated herself for thinking the way she did. 

She went to the settings tab on her profile and clicked on the deactivate profile option. Confirm deactivation of account? 

Was she sure? No, she wasn't sure. Social media had helped her in connecting with some of her good friends and keeping in touch with them, it had also given her a voice when she wanted to be heard. But more often than not, her voice got drowned in millions of others and it turned into a disturbing noise, nothing more. She clicked on no and went back to the home screen on her phone and uninstalled the little blue icon there. She was done. And now, maybe she can carry on. Or she could at least try. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

L - Lana

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Doe-like eyes, flawless skin
I was envied for all this and more
I was content, the way I was
Till the day he came along

Told me he loved me
And wouldn't take no for an answer
How dare I spurn his love!
And so he decided to teach me a lesson

I was walking by unsuspecting
When he sprung upon me from a street corner
Throwing what felt like molten lava on my face
A tiny vial of acid was all it took

Sweet revenge for him, a loss of life for me
A life that was blissfully unaware
Of the curve-ball that it was to throw my way
My skin melted, my face and body disfigured

I contemplated ending my wretched life
Where people stared at my face
For all the reasons that I did not want
Pity in their eyes, thanking their stars it's not them

My nemesis walked away free
But it took me many years to break the shackles
Surgery, skin grafts and years of darkness
Was all it took to rebuild my life from scratch

Today, I have started to dream again
Of a life that will be filled with more kindness
One where I may even have a family
He may have poured acid on my skin
But my dreams still remain untarnished..

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.

K - Kiara

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I scribble few lines in my notebook. Scratch out the words that look so out of place in those pages soon after. When it comes to you, I seem to run out of words. How do I describe the way you make me feel? I can write that your smile reminds me of summer rain or that your hands traces maps on mine or the way your skin tastes like sea breeze. But nothing I write will do justice to the way you make me feel. What is a writer to do when this happens? 

You had asked me long back what it was about you that I fell in love with. Today, my darling, I can say that you are the only one that I could never capture perfectly on paper. It's the first time that the ink from my pen failed to match the images imprinted inside my head. And somehow, it doesn't bother me one bit. You remain locked up inside me, my very own secret. A writer's selfishness or a lover's possessiveness? Maybe a bit of both...

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

J - Jaanvi

Legs spreadeagled, hands tied 

They violate my body with each thrust they make

My tears and snot fall onto my face 

The sack over my head makes me thankful 

That I don't have to see their faces 

In between I black out and this is preferable

Though when I gain consciousness 

It is a burning fire that I feel in between my legs

My body tattered, my soul bruised 

Death would be a warm welcome if it came knocking

But no, they are not done with me 

One by one they take their turns

Mutilating, degrading me bit by bit 

I give up screaming after a while 

My cries only seem to add to their pleasure 

Left to their mercy, they relish the power they have 

On me and my body; whimpering cries 

I soil my clothes and my body is filled with grit and blood

Theirs or mine?

I close my eyes and think of happier times 

A bickering sister, a loving father, a warm mother 

Seemingly so detached now 

The names may change 

But my story remains the same 

Tell me, is it foolish of me to think there is hope for me at all?

P.S. I just finished reading this and I'm beyond disturbed still. May the faceless and nameless Jaanvis in our life get justice. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

I - Iman

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A throbbing head. Not even half the day was through and already it was making it impossible to concentrate on anything. A couple of phone calls to be made, the bookmark sticking out from in between the pages of the book lying on the bedside table waiting to be read, a new recipe written down hastily to be tried out but she couldn't find it in her do any of those. 

There are days when nothing goes right and this was one of those. Lacking in inspiration and filled with exhaustion. She switched off her mobile, disconnected from the online world and went to sleep. No, there is no epiphany to this story. No out-of-the-blue realization. Sometimes all you need is a good sleep to clear your head. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

H - Heera

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How is a girl like you going to survive all alone in a foreign country? Don't jump ahead and make conclusions just because of a broken heart. Even if he wasn't the one for you, it doesn't mean that you won't find a nice boy to take care of you...

Take care of her, Heera thought. Why should she wait for somebody else to take care of her? Why sit around waiting when she can go and get her dreams herself? A fresh start was what she had in mind and that's exactly what she did. Packing off and selling all her meager belongings, with just a couple of suitcases of her past life as reminder, she went off to start anew. 

Her name was a synonym for diamond and though she had often found it ironic, this time she made up her mind to shine the brightest. In letting go, she found herself. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

G - Ganga

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Be careful, my Mom warned me 

I was no longer a little girl 

Nor was I yet a woman 

I could no longer wear shorts

The knee length skirts, they had to go too

No more figure hugging t-shirts 

My breasts were developing you see 

You must stay away from temptation 

I followed all these rules rigidly

Still why was I being passed lewd comments

While walking down the street?

Why the wolf whistles and cat calls?

Weekly once a month I bled and bled 

Impure, I was brandished by all 

Confused by a betraying body 

I turned around me to seek clarity

But again I was told off 

For wanting to know too much

Concentrate on your studies 

Half baked things were fed to my ears

Oh Mom, why didn't you tell me the truth 

Didn't I deserve at least that?

Why did I have to learn it the hard way?

Why did it have to be through an act of betrayal?

That it was the skinny boy that I didn't even like

Showed me what it was to be a woman

That the things he did to me 

Made me feel ashamed than desired

Why didn't you tell me that  

I would wake up screaming for weeks

Or that it would be years before I even begin to heal?

And that my body would never be the same ever again

Why didn't you tell me that there were monsters not under the bed 

But in the corners of our home and street?

Was that what the being careful in your warning meant?

Who is to blame? Is it me or is it you?

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

F - Fatima

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She gets up at 5 in the morning, makes breakfast for her two children. She wakes them up afterwards, gets them ready for school before leaving for office herself. At office, she's tied to her desk till 5 in the evening. After office, she goes for evening classes. Education is something that will never be foregone, not at any cost. That is the one thing that she insisted not just upon her kids, but on herself as well. 

By the time she reaches home, she is exhausted to the bone. Some days she gets dinner from outside. And they will be waiting for her and they eat it together, as a family. That's what families did. They stuck with each other through thick and thin, through rain and sunshine. 

Some days they would show her the things they learnt at school in the midst of which she would sometimes doze off only to wake up guiltily when one of them told her to go to bed. She is a single mother. It's not easy most of the days. But the tiny smiles that greeted her at the end of each tedious day made her feel a little less lonely. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

E - Esha

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You compliment me on my smile 

A smile that touches my eyes I have been told

I carry ahead with my chores, cooking, cleaning

I go out with friends during the weekends 

I pretend to listen and sometimes I nod in response

Without fully hearing what I'm asked 

You see inside my heart is a dark place 

A tiny hole that threatens to spill into an abyss 

That hole gapes a little wider each day 

Taking a part of me with it, eating up my soul bit by bit

Some days I can pretend it doesn't exist 

And carry on my life oblivious to its presence

But the other days, that are growing at an alarming rate

It envelops me like a cold mist, a wet blanket 

It chokes me in its depths, I want to reach out 

Cry for help, the few times I dared to I was told to grow up 

Attention seeker, I was branded, It's all in your head 

I have never raised my voice again since 

I wear long sleeves, to hide the scars on my wrists 

With each slit I made I was a step closer to oblivion

They remind me of the crossroads I'm at 

The ones that I have to face inevitably sooner or later 

If the choice was in choosing to let go or to carry on

What would I choose? Did I even have a choice?

You can pour cotton wool over my ears 

Numb me for a while, get me high on antidepressants

But this feeling, it never goes away, not fully 

Until you have to learn to build your life around it

The only ones who offer me solace are the people who have been there

They are the ones who hold my hand when I sink a little deeper

Another step, another day, they remind me 

I hold on, try to stay afloat and on some days, I still smile...

P.S. Though I have written this in the form of poetry, that hole, depression is real. Compassion can go a long way to help someone. May the Eshas in our midst find courage and hope despite it all. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

D - Delilah

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I see your eyes on me when I step into a room 

Criticizing, gazing shamelessly at my curves

I was the one who hid behind shapeless clothes

To hide that extra roll of fat or two 

I'm the one that was made of fun of in school 

The pathetic fat girl who had no friends 

Jeers that I took on silently for I was ashamed

I was disgusted at the body that was bestowed on me

Not fair, I came home and cried silently 

You will never know the long hours I spent

Sticking a finger up my throat to get rid of it all

The guilt I felt each time I gave into temptation

That double burger and crisps that I binged on

The more I ate, the more stressed I got 

Until it started all over again 

I was just another sad statistic

I was just another girl who was measured 

In terms of her Body Mass Index alone 

The fact that I wrote poetry or was fascinated with literature 

None of it mattered, neither did it count 

Until one day I realized that pleasing others

Was not my priority, I was more than that 

I was more than just a figure on a tipping scale

I was a woman, big and proud 

I no longer hide behind unflattering clothes

I revel in my body and all that it has to offer 

My wide hips, my love handles, I love it all 

I still turn heads when I walk into a room 

But it's my confidence that gets talked of 

And my ability to weave words out of the blue 

I smile because they don't even see half of me 

And neither do I plan to show too

I'm a plus sized woman and proud of it 

I see women with svelte curves and the perfect hair

But would I swap places with them? With their tiny hearts?

I would rather be the woman I am with a bigger heart still...

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

C - Chandana

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Pa, you have taught me to be strong

You have never stopped me from reaching for my dreams

Ma, you have taught me that being gentle is a virtue too

You gave me hope when I was stuck in a bleak world

But today I see you haggling over dowry 

The price of my freedom for a happy marriage

I see my worth being measured in sovereigns of gold 

And the market value of property to my name

It seems oddly like tallying of a balance sheet 

You see me as an asset, but in their eyes

I'm nothing but a liability, unless I come decked in jewels

But even then what after I turn into an overused commodity?

My looks, my dreams, my values seems to mean so little today

When I stand in front of those so called prospective grooms

Appraising me head to toe, dissecting me with their eyes

My thoughts shrivel up and curl inside with each word they say 

Isn't marriage supposed to be a relationship? 

One based on mutual trust and respect? 

Or is it simply another business arrangement?

You have both taught me it is so much more

Today, please don't be frantic, for fear of my passing years

For the ticking of my biological clock 

I would rather remain as just the daughter that you both love

Than as the trophy wife who was negotiated on a whim 

Someday maybe I will find someone 

Someone who will not be bothered by your bank balance 

Or whether I have mastered the art of making perfect rotis 

So that even afterwards, I can continue to be who I am today 

Without my dreams turning into dust 

Without hopes being crushed 

Where I will be looked at with respect and love

And not just as a bejeweled garish clown or fool...

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.