Winter Musings

The past couple of days I woke up to a beautiful sight. Mist covered greenery through my window. Definitely one of the perks of staying in a flat are the gorgeous views that greet you from your balcony or windows, if you're lucky. Like the most of us, I'm guilty of reaching for the mobile even before opening my eyes. Instead of doing that, I tried listening to the   sounds from around as I woke up today morning. As cliched as it may sound, the chirping of birds is one of the best sounds to wake up to. 

The year is coming to an end with just a month to go. It's raining outside as I write this. December couldn't have started off on a better note. Being a bibliophile, one of the first things that comes to my mind when I think of December is A Christmas Carol. Who can forget the infamous Scrooge and his ghosts created by Dickens? Another happy memory is singing Christmas carols along with friends in the school choir group. Hanging huge paper stars on your porch was a much awaited event too. 

Experiencing a white Christmas is one of the things on the bucket list. That's what happens as a result of watching too many Hollywood movies during Christmas time, I guess. It gives you a lot of winter goals :) So, tell me, what are your favorite Christmas memories? 

Truth or Truth?

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Lies. More and more of it. Like a deck made of cards. Hiding the truth. Always. Do we lie to protect ourselves and the ones we love? Or is it because it's easier than telling the truth? The truth that you know is going to hurt? 

The drafts folder of your inbox, however, tells a different story. Unsent mail overflowing. The ones that refrained you from hitting that send button. Is it because some people simply do not deserve to know your truth? But there it nestles, among spam mail and meaningless correspondence. All that you have told but not been heard. 

You don't hit the send button. Not yet, a voice whispers in your head. But nor do you have the heart to delete it. Someday, maybe. Nobody said that speaking the truth would be easy. It's got to be done, all the same. Even if it means standing alone. 

Glimpses

There are things that you can't put a name to. They come and go, like fleeting emotions. Labels that have to be chucked out.

Today, when I lie in bed with a sore throat, feeling cold and miserable, you come in uninvited, invading my thoughts. I can't help or control it and I know only too well that it would be stupid of me to even try. You are a torrential rain on days like these, pouring down incessantly. 

I expect foolishly to hear from you. Not that you would. But I hope against hope, against the better judgement of me. Days like these, I wish you were here. Days like these, I look for a silver lining. Days like these, I half expect to see your name flashing on my screen. 

Wanderlust

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Exploring new places. Trying out different cuisines. Meeting new people. The symptoms are stronger than ever before. You, my dear, have gotten a bad case of wanderlust. 

Pack up your suitcases, take your camera and maybe some of those books that have been gathering dust on your bedside table. The notebooks that you have been meaning to write in; pack them too, you will need it. Leave behind those labels and boxes that are stifling you. 

Excess baggage is certainly not permitted. They are best left back. A solo trip, that's what you crave. 

Those shorts that have been bought and stuffed in the back of your cupboard because you never got around to losing that roll of excess fat, pack that too. Nobody is going to judge and certainly not care, this is your trip. Spread your wings and fly. And who knows, maybe, just maybe you may discover who you are. 

Wrong Turn

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Remember those mazes that you loved solving as a child? Where you have to make your way through and find the treasure? You know you have to reach the right place and there is only one way out. Sometimes you take a wrong turn and then you have to go back and erase your steps, in order to take the right one. What if that was not the way it was supposed to go? What if the wrong turn leaves you at the right destination? What if that was where you are meant to be, even though that was not what you had in mind or planned? What then? What then?

To the people who broke my heart

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To the people who broke my heart,

You, who took my heart and shattered it into a million little pieces, thank you. That was not easy for me to say. I nursed a broken heart for many years and it took me only some tear soaked pillows, a handful of friends and many nights of tearing my hair out in frustration to finally say it out loud. Thank you for tearing my heart when I gave it to you. For betraying my trust. 

Because of you, I'm who I'm today. The brokenness that sometimes reveals itself no matter how hard I try, has become a part of who I am. Those words that I can write, ones that I get appreciated for, are all thanks to you. They reflect who I am honestly when the words flow from my heart.  

Yes, you messed up my head in ways more than one. There were times when I could hardly recognize the cold hearted person you had turned me into. Time is a funny thing. It heals wounds you wouldn't have thought possible. With time, there were other people who entered my life. People who showed me why it never worked with you, why it never could have. People who have stayed by my side through it all. Ones who proved to me that it was possible to trust again. To even fall in love. 

Getting over you did not happen over night. It took many, many years. But it gave me a chance to rediscover who I was before you came into my life. It gave me back my first love - words. Perhaps it is both a boon and a bane, to feel so deeply. I think moving on finally happens when you can look back on those times without a bitterness twisting your heart. I know so because I can today. Without wrecking havoc on my emotions. 

As much as I am thankful for the lessons and creativity that you gifted me with, I sincerely hope that our paths do not cross ever again. Do not nudge your way back into my life and head. Please don't even try. You were a chapter in my book, a meaningful one at that. But I have moved on and you should too. It's time to finally turn the pages. 

Thank you for everything, 

Me 

Of Likes, Comments and a Perfect World called Facebook

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"He had first been excited by Facebook, ghosts of old friends suddenly morphing to life with wives and husbands and children, and photos trailed by comments. But he began to be appalled by the air of unreality, the careful manipulation of images to create a parallel life, pictures that people had taken with Facebook in mind, placing in the background the things of which they were proud." – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Americanah

So, I'm reading this amazing book by one of my favorite authors - Adichie. And as always when a book interests me, I make sure to read all the information I can on it. Mostly I lounge around Goodreads which is like a Disneyland for bibliophiles like me. I can spend hours and hours just browsing books over there. So, that was when I came across this quote from Americanah, that I'm currently reading.

I must say it made a lot of sense to me. I felt the quote was speaking right to me. Facebook has turned into such a dumping ground and there are times when simply going over my timeline exhausts me. What is it with the need for validation anyway? There are pictures that I come across from people that I have lost touch with; and as much as I try to be glad that they are having a good time with their vacation or marriage or kids or whatever it is that they are doing with their life, there is no denying the air of unreality around it. It all seems a bit too fake, people seem to try a bit too hard. To convince themselves and the rest of the world that they are indeed living the perfect life. I have no qualms in admitting that I have been caught up in this rat race many a times myself. 

Kind of like tit for tat, you feel a sense of wicked glee when you finally post something that you are proud of, or a picture of you having a good time. The likes and comments are an ego boost. But since when did we need the approval of random strangers about what we do or who we are with? Some of the best moments in my life are those that I haven't captured pictures of. I think those are the truly priceless moments in life. It could be a good time spent with a friend when both of you were busy catching up that something as trivial as taking a picture and immediately posting on Facebook wasn't the sole concern. 

People are so obsessed over social media these days and  are always busy posting or tweeting that it actually hurts to be with a group of people who are all glued to their phones. Um, excuse me, but I would rather be alone at home with my book if you are going to be busy ignoring me or worse yet, pretending to listen when it's clear that your mind is obviously not in it. So, thanks but no thanks. I think I shall pass. Another pattern that I have noticed emerge is a scratch back policy when it comes to Facebook. You like me, I like you back. Sounds harmless enough, right? It would have been hilarious even if people didn't take the whole thing so seriously. 

I have seen instances where people squabble and quarrel over silly posts and comments. Seriously, get a life. When it comes to social media, everyone seems to have pretty strong opinions. But come down to reality, I have very rarely seen people who would actually do something for these so called causes that they believe in. Let alone do, they don't even raise an eyebrow when they come face to face with such situations in real life. Hypocritical much?  

There were couple of instances when I was on the verge of clicking on the deactivate button on my profile. Unfortunately, too many of my accounts are linked together and as much as I hate the wasteland that Facebook has turned into, it is the sole means of keeping in touch with some of my friends that I don't see or talk to as often as I may like. And not just that, there are so many pages that I follow and updates on books and authors that I keep track of that I wouldn't want to miss out on at any cost. 

Facebook will continue to exist for me. The number of likes or comments no longer matters. I took down a lot of my pictures too recently. Like I said, it was exhausting. What little I do post from now, will be only when I really have something to say and not just for the sake of it. My personal life should remain just that- personal. I will continue to use my account to share and talk about all that's close to my heart and that will be about it. Meanwhile, take a chill pill, relax. Make mistakes, live in the moment, grieve when you have to and move on. Life is perfect only on Facebook!

Signs

                     

Waking up to the sound of rain rattling against your windows. An old song playing on the radio, making you reminiscent of the memories that always tags along with it. A long conversation with a friend. A walk in the rain with that someone special, hands clasped under an umbrella, getting drenched all the same but your heart soaring with each step. 

That lightness in your heart when you think of nothing but watching the pouring rain outside while sipping a cup of piping hot coffee. Two sugars, just the way you like it.

A text message when you least expect it. An old love making their way into your heart and you smile because it no longer hurts, it was just a beautiful lesson learned. Reading a book that came to you at just the right time. Re-reading an old favorite when you want to shut out the world and get lost in an alternative reality. Words heal. Always.

A long night drive, with no particular destination and just your favorite music for company. Star gazing. Writing a verse of poetry after ages and loving the flow of words from your fingertips. An unexpected kiss. Stumbling across an old e-mail. Poetry touching your very soul. And love, always love. With the one, with life, with the beauty all around. 

Today is one such day. That makes me want to believe in the little things. Signs that pop up just when you need it the most. Life is not all bleak, there is love and beauty all around. You just need to look harder and believe in yourself. 

The Year that was 2015

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Is the year really coming to an end? How fast time flew! 2015 has been a year that brought me both pain and joy, immensely. It saw me ticking off quite a few items on my bucket list. I visited Switzerland, which has been a dream for a long time. I read a lot of great books. Writing wise, I had started writing Gouri, a novella that I'm working on at the moment. Thanks to the A to Z challenge that I attempted in April this year, it made me realize what I was capable of and for laying seeds to Gouri. 

My blog was also selected in the top five personal blogs in India by Blogadda. I did not win, but the fact that it made it the top five in itself meant a lot to me. It gave me more confidence in my writing skills, for one. Writing for me is a therapeutic and healing experience. Couple of years back, writing did not play a major role in my life other than the occasional scribbling. But now, I can't imagine one without writing in it. That is how much I have come to value it. So much so that it is the very essence of who I'm today. 

Also, my blog was selected in the top 15 socially active book blogs by Baggout! Yes, I was cribbing and moaning about how miserable 2015 was, and I decided to stop complaining and focus on the achievements alone without dwelling too much on what didn't go as planned. Turns out, I did not do bad at all. Thanks to everyone who has stood by my side and been a part of my journey. Love you all. 

That brings me to 2016, I have big plans for the coming year. I want to do a lot more of travelling, read those books that have been piling high on my TBR pile. I also want to cover some of those classics that I have been meaning to read for quite some time now. There are a few that I read many years back and so re-reading them is on the agenda as well. 

I want to step out of my comfort zones and explore all that I haven't before. No, no resolutions for me other than to write more and be a more disciplined writer. As far as resolutions and me go, we seldom work out, so I'm going to refrain from unrealistic expectations without losing focus on the silver linings. Happy New Year, you all! 

I’m sharing my #TalesOf2015 with BlogAdda.

Waves

                  

Missing you comes in waves. Sometimes it's the gentle lace wave caressing my feet, carrying the sand beneath them without a moment's notice. 

At other times, it comes crashing down, drenching me from head to toe. And when I least expect it, you are a whirlpool as you drag me down under. Smothering me, the salt water in my eyes and throat, blinding me, not allowing me to breathe, cutting down the flow of oxygen in my blood. 

But I'm still waiting for the day to let go, when I can finally drown in you. Won't you come? Or would you leave me here dying alone on the shore...

Sylvia

So, the other day I watching the movie 'Sylvia' which is based on the real life story of Sylvia Plath. Plath has been portrayed onscreen by Gwyneth Paltrow. It's a beautiful albeit tragic movie. It shows the love/hate relationship that she shared with her husband, the poet Ted Hughes. This is not a movie review, but I would recommend you to give it a watch as it is one that made me think A LOT. It shows the emotional turmoil that a writer undergoes; how frustrating it can be waiting for the muse to strike and once she does, the words certainly flow and how! Now, I must confess that I haven't read any Plath except for the few poems here and there. But this movie certainly had me intrigued and I'm hoping to lay my hands on Plath's semi-autobiographical novel The Bell Jar real soon in addition to reading more of her works.

Sylvia is a movie that deals with the depression that Plath had been fighting and finally succumbed to. Even today, there is a stigma surrounding all sorts of mental illnesses. Rather than showing empathy and kindness, we live in a world where people are ridiculed and shunned by society. Battling with mental illness is not easy, the least you can do is show your support. I was reminded of another movie that I watched last month called The Hours which is loosely based on the novel Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. 

I couldn't help but compare the two writers from two different periods and the tragic ways in which they chose to end their lives, which reminds me of this dialogue from a brilliant book that I read recently The truth about the Harry Quebert Affair (I'm in love with quotes, in case you haven't noticed already) between Nola and Harry where she asks him as to why writers are such lonely people, perhaps the loneliest in the world. And the reply given by Harry still blows my mind away:

"I don't know whether it's that writers are lonely or whether it's loneliness that makes them write..."

Writers are definitely an unpredictable lot, after all, how can one really know or even begin to understand how the human mind works? 

Sylvia or Woolf, these are writers that I look up to and one can only try and be a better writer by learning from the best. I may have digressed a lot while writing this post but I certainly had fun writing it, which is what I love about writing. I found the above quote while I was spending my time researching (also read as googling) Plath. I couldn't find a better one to conclude as this one resonates with me on all levels. And this, is exactly why I write. 

Hello there, August!

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How fast time flies! Seems like only yesterday that I was here writing 26 posts for the A to Z challenge for April and now it's August already. The past couple of months I have been on the lazy side and not much writing or anything else got done for that matter. I did, however, catch up on my reading and read some pretty great books though. Love in the time of Cholera must definitely top the list so far. I have been meaning to do a post on it and have been procrastinating for quite a while now. I should get cracking on that soon. 

Speaking of August, it's my favorite month of the year. Yes, it's my birthday month :) I still feel like a little girl when it comes to August, counting the days to go for my birthday. Birthdays means cake and gifts- some of the most wonderful things in life. I know that age is just another number, so I'm trying not to freak out by the fact that I'm turning 27 in exactly a week's time. It's nearing the dreaded 30, but I'm so proud of myself for the woman that I'm turning into with each passing year. Have I turned wiser? I don't know. Am I happy? Yes, for the first time in years, I have finally learnt to put my happiness first and turning a deaf year towards what people are telling me about what should be making me happy. 

You live only once and each moment should count. What shouldn't matter are back stabbing and fake people. I'm so over them. I was so obsessed with pleasing people in the past that it took me time to realize that all the people pleasing was making me one miserable person. I have said goodbye to all the fakeness in the world for now. I don't mind broken souls, as long as they are honest. Speaking of broken, who isn't? I'm broken myself and healing. I'm not there yet but I should be there soon.  

So, what are your plans for August? I'm so glad that I'm sharing my birthday month with some of my favorite people from the blogging world and outside. Happy Birthday, guys! And today being friendship day, wishing you all a very happy Friendship day too! August, please be kind and last a bit longer. Let me enjoy you for now :) Happy birthday to me!

You know you're a writer...

...when you miss the bold and italics feature even while writing on social media.

...when you're a solitary being and prefer your own company and a fun night means a glass of wine and a book at the end of the day.

...when you can get away with almost everything in the name of research. Addicted to Castle and Grey's Anatomy? Not to worry, I'm sure you will find inspiration in there somewhere. 

...when on those few occasions you are forced to be dragged out of bed in the name of social interactions, you find yourself in a corner shamelessly eavesdropping on conversations.

...when everything and I do mean everything, turns into fodder for your writing. The irritating pigeons who won't stop going at it outside your window? Turn them into cooing doves and weave it in between a line of poetry.

...whenever you meet someone new, you immediately try to find more about them. Not because you want to be their new best friend, but because they would make an excellent friend for your protagonist. 

...when you wish there was some sort of app/ technology that would help you to write even when you're half asleep, because that's when most of your ideas and inspiration strikes (like this very post) as it's highly unlikely that you would wake up and write it down in those early hours of morning leaving the warmth and comfort of your bed. The result in most cases being that you end up forgetting almost all of those brainwaves. The key word being almost. Side effects- frustration and regret throughout the day. 

...when people you hate end up dead in the stories you write. Of course, we will never admit that it's not fiction. No, not a chance. 

...when it's possible to travel without moving your feet. Feeling homesick? We just have to close our eyes and we are right there. Missing the rains? Conjure up a rainbow right now. See, anything is possible. 

...when you can tune yourself out of boring conversations effortlessly. Sure, I may look like I'm listening but chances are that I'm probably plotting my next chapter. 

...when you turn into grammar nazis while on social media and are tempted to gift a dictionary to a lot of people in your friends list, making you wonder how they ended up there in the first place. Or even think of reasons as to why there shouldn't be a crash course for people called 'Etiquettes and avoiding typos on social media'. I digress. But you get the point.

...when you are in awe of people who string along few sentences in a beautiful rhythm. People who remind you that literature and poetry are still alive and kicking. 

Insomnia

Nights like these, when sleep deludes me

I close my eyes and think about you

Of the way you had fit in snugly in my arms

The mole just below your collar bone 

The scar on your left eyebrow left behind by a bout of chicken pox while you were still a child

The way you love your coffee scalding hot

Those cute little snores you make while you lie on your back

The ticklish spot on the side of your belly

Of the imperfect completeness that you were to me

And I can't help but wonder whether he notices all this about you today...

Monotone

Little things bother me today. A break in habit. A dream that could be lost forever. Cracks in the world around. A memory that refuses to fade even with time. An ache that's left in the wake of a beautiful soul...

Why I love Mindy

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I had read so many good things about The Mindy Project that I finally decided to check it out myself firsthand. Saw the first episode and was hooked and completely in love with Dr. Mindy Lahiri who is played onscreen by her namesake Mindy Kaling. 

I love everything about the show. And I mean everything. Love? Check. Hot guy? Check. Cute guy? Check. Funny guy? Check, check and check. But it is Mindy who's the star of the show as the name suggests. She steals your heart with her sense of humor and her ways of life as she knows it. 

Her confidence and no nonsense attitude is what I like the best about her. Mindy is not size zero, yet she is unapologetic about it and revels in herself. The best part is that she is not simply shown as just another girl searching for love. She is a doctor, an Ob Gyn , no less and is dedicated to her profession and friends. She wears what she likes, carrying off even the loudest of clothes at an ease that makes you want to be her. 

What's not to like about the show? I binge watched all three seasons, laughing sometimes till tears ran from my eyes! Seriously, watch it and you won't regret it. It is not just Mindy, but there are so many other lovable characters, another favorite being Morgan, one of the male nurses at her practice. He never fails to crack me up. His jokes are always spot on. 

And not only is Mindy an actor, she's a writer too. Another reason to like love her! Though I haven't read her books, I shall be buying them soon. Mindy breaks all the stereotypes of Indian women on media, kicking ass as simply her fabulous self. She loves her bagels, doughnuts and cake as much as you and me. 

Isn't she awesome or what! You can imagine my disappointment when I watched the last episode of The Mindy Project season 3 yesterday. Imagine having to wait impatiently for more of her mind blowing Mindyness. It doesn't help that they decided to halt with a cliff hanger. Not. At. All. Though I had read the news that the show has been stopped, I felt really bad. I mean, it's such a good show, it deserves many more seasons. But cheer up, Mindy fans, the show has been picked up by another network (from what I read). So yes, the wait may be long but I'm sure it's definitely going to be worth it.

Okay, for now, let me grab some popcorn and watch it all over again :)

April - A month of learining

When I signed up for the A to Z challenge this year, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Though this was the second blogging challenge that I have undertaken, this was my first A to Z. I didn't have any theme and decided to go randomly. 

I didn't schedule any of my posts; taking one day at a time. Posting daily except on Sundays quickly took its toll on me. Yes, some days were exhausting, on some others I faced the dreaded block where my mind was completely blank and clueless as to what I should write on. 

The only thing that kept me going were the constant encouragement and feedback from each one of you. Yes, each comment counts when you are in this journey together. The comments and views for each post were a motivation to go further. A huge thanks to Soumya, Titli, Preethi, Leo, Sundari, Devika, Ruchi, Vidya, Pratikshya, Rajlakshmi and all others who were an encouragement for me all throughout my journey. So sorry if I have left out any names here. There have also been some new blogs that I discovered during this challenge. Always glad to discover new (for me) and talented writers from all over the globe. 

There have been times when visiting and reading all blogs, as much as I would have liked, were not possible. I would like to apologize for that. I shall be hopping over to those blogs to catch up on lost time. Soon :)

April was also a month that gave me Gouri. Which reminds me that I should get cracking on the rest of her this month. Fingers crossed for now. I just hope the end result is not disappointing. 

Would I participate next year? Definitely. Though I have never been a person to schedule posts in advance, I would like to follow a theme and plot on at least some posts prior to the challenge from next year. Also, a special mention to the hosts of the A to Z challenge for being there for all of us. I shall look forward to the journey next year. 

The challenge may have come to an end, but we can continue to support each other throughout our blogging journey, right? Once again, a huge heart felt thanks to each and everyone of you. For being there. Thank you. Thank you for gifting me a beautiful April :)

V - Voyage

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Life is a voyage and we are all tiny vessels

Sailing against the wind called time 

The current may be rocky, sometimes smooth

But the trick is to maneuver, to remain steady

The journey is bound to be filled with adventure

We may have to sacrifice some in order to gain some

In the end all that matters is the journey 

Take in those sunsets and sunrises

Drink in all those sights along 

The sound of water lapping

Tiny fishes swimming afloat 

Never give up hope, have faith

There are unseen hands at play

Those dark and stormy nights

Won't last forever, they too shall pass

For the voyage must go on...

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

T - Twenty-six

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On August 9, 2014, I turned the number that I have been dreading. Twenty-six. Yes, I'm was one of those people who were terrified at the thought of growing old and wrinkly. Like I read somewhere, I was officially on the 'uncool' side of twenties. Till I reached my twenties, I was someone who looked forward to growing older. Ageing gracefully? What did that even mean? However, life had different plans for me. Here are some things that has made me embrace my twenty-six year old self. Things that I have learnt in the last year that I haven't in the previous twenty five years of my life. 

> Nothing lasts forever. Not even the bad times. You will get up, dust yourself and carry forward. 

> It is never too late to learn something new. Try your hand at something different, break some rules. Live life on your own terms. 

> There shall ALWAYS be people who criticize you no matter how hard you try. Quit trying to impress them. The only person that you need to make happy is yourself. Owe it to only yourself. 

> Follow your passion. There maybe days when you feel like giving up, frustration may set it. But when inspiration strikes, it shall always be worth the struggle. 

> There are only a handful of people in your life who want the best for you. Treasure them. 

> You never know when you will have to say goodbye to a loved one. So spend as much time with those people you can't dream of living without. 

> When you let go of some of the people in your life, you will always find other kindred souls in their place. 

> Age is just another number. What matters most is how many of those years you spent on living and not just surviving. 

> Read all those books that have been piling on your shelf. Stop feeling guilty in abandoning a book halfway if it's not your cup of tea. 

> And lastly, don't ever lose hope or faith. The two go hand in hand :) 

So now, I can confidently say, the twenty-sixth year of my life has been a turning point in ways more than one. I have a couple more months for remaining twenty-six in my hands and intend to enjoy each and every moment to the fullest, doing the things that I love and relishing the things makes me happy. As for ageing gracefully, I may not be there yet, but I'm certainly on the right path :)

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge. 

O - Onward

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I was absolutely clueless as to what my O should be for. And that's when I thought of Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat Pray Love) and how she signs off on all her posts with onward. Yeah, not goodbye, not cheers, but onward. Life is a journey and it means that we have to keep moving forward, no matter what. 

Onward. Isn't it such a beautiful word? It holds so much of promise and excitement for the future, all contained within our self. It reminds us of the things that we are capable of. Whenever you get stuck in a situation that compromises your happiness, remind yourself that this too shall pass. The trick is to go forward. Without stumbling. 

The bad times in your life is not going to last forever. Tomorrow is a brand new day. So, onward, dear friends :) Make all those dreams yours. 

Linking this post to the A to Z Challenge.